Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

When I started this journey of 30 days to honesty- I promised myself I’d make sure I finished this no matter what. I committed myself to doing that, and here we are- 30 days later and time for the last piece of honesty.

I’m not sure who all has read these and who hasn’t, but this journey has definitely caused me to think- to pause and look at my life and search my soul on several occasions, and to be authentic (something that I’m striving to be each and every day). I would like to say that I walk away from this experience with a little more ‘wiz’dom, or maybe a little more knowledge about myself. Maybe you learned something about me- or maybe you didn’t. Either way- it’s ok with me, because I learned something about me- that I need to live in the moment more than what I’ve been doing. I’m still working out the details on how to do that, because sometimes things happen (like death) that leave me spinning my wheels and wondering which way is up.

The great thing about life is that it’s a journey of lessons and I happen to be a willing student. Are you?

Day 30- One last moment, in great detail.

This is actually in direct relation to another moment I described earlier in the month- only this one takes place in the Netherlands and not in Prague. My friend Vivian and I were in the city of Utrecht and we were walking around exploring and she suggested that we visit this huge tower “Dom Tower” and climb to the top. I could see that it was massive, but I figured ‘why not’, since I’m always up for an adventure. What I didn’t know is that this particular adventure would take us up more than 465 steps to reach the top.

I remember hearing that number and thinking- “Am I serious- I can’t do that.” but as quickly as I allowed myself to think that- I squashed the negative dialogue and knew that I WAS going to do it and I did. At a certain point, you get to the main bell tower area and the guide tells you if you want to go further to feel free. It’s the last little way and I remember Vivian looking at me and saying we didn’t have to go that last little way. We walked around a little while and I commented that if we didn’t do it, we’d be sorry that we didn’t, so in the end- we decided to go for it after all. We made it to the top and not without a bit of panting before we got to the top of that winding staircase, but we did it.  (The picture to your left is the view from the top looking down.)

Another moment when I realized that I really could do anything if I set my mind to it. It was a great moment, and I’m happy that I shared the experience with my friend Vivian. I’m also happy that she came up with the idea- so Thank you Vivi! I miss you!

Thanks to y’all who have stuck around and read these. I hope you walk away with a better understanding of who I am- and what makes me ‘tick’.

Day 29- Your aspirations, in great detail.

This is another hard one- mostly because I find that those aspirations change as I change and grow.

When I was 21 I wanted to be the next talk show sensation- much like Oprah, but with my own style.  

There are many things that I aspire towards, and this morning I was thinking about how I could make those aspirations into realities.   Ultimately, I know that will take a little change on my part- but change is always possible.

I aspire to find the lessons in life- to grow and become the person that God intended me to become (which is far greater than anything I could want to become on my own)-  to make a positive difference- to inspire-   to live MY best life.

Wow, I can hardly believe that I’ve almost made it to the very end of this little 30 day adventure in honesty.   I’ve actually enjoyed these a great deal and enjoyed the fact that some of them have made me pause to think or reflect about certain things in my life.   I may do more of them in the future.

Day 28- Something that you miss, in great detail.

This is a big one-   There are so many things that I miss.   I miss my family and friends that I don’t get to see regularly because we don’t live in the immediate area.  I miss long-ago friends that I have lost contact with over the years and wish that I could reconnect with.   Luckily for Facebook, I’ve been able to do that with some people and I’m so grateful.   The Internet is an awesome tool.

I miss people-  I miss my grandmothers.  I miss that I never got to know my grandpa Tanner as well as I’d like because he died when I was around 12 years old.   I miss Carol. 

I miss not being a part of some people’s lives in spite of really wanting to be. 

I miss Muffy and Lucky- two of my favorite kitties ever (both strays) who loved completely.  I miss their anxiousness to show that love and to greet me with affection no matter how long it had been since they’d seen me last.

I miss being home to be a part of life events such as helping Olivia and Ainsley move into their college dorms at USM.   

I miss seeing my precious nephew participate in all the sports that he’s involved in and going to his school and church programs.

One of the things I miss most is the innocence of being oblivious to the pain that others are struggling with and knowing I can’t change things.  That one is a double-edged sword.

Day 27-  Your favorite place, in great detail.

My favorite place isn’t somewhere that is geographically specific, but the beach is by far my favorite place.   I love the wind, the waves, the smell of the salt water, the calmness I feel when I’m staring out at the vast water in front of me.    

If I feel stressed- it’s the water that can calm me every, single time.  My favorite time of the day at the beach is early in the morning or in the late afternoon as the sun is going down.   I don’t like the distraction of lots of people, but instead thrive on the solitude.

Day 26- Your fears, in great detail.

My biggest fear without a doubt is irrational (but then so are most fears), but it’s spiders.  Large or small, I don’t discriminate- I hate them all.   They send me into a tizzy.

Other fears-  Losing people that I love.   I’ve seen far too much death this year and it has been weighing heavily on my heart.  It isn’t something that can be avoided, but I wish I wasn’t so sensitive to it.   Not that anyone enjoys it- but if I’m not careful it can send me into a depression.  Logically I understand it to be a part of life, but emotionally-  I don’t think I’ll ever be there.

Day 24- Something that makes you cry, in great detail.

I’m a very emotional person, so I tend to cry easily. Couple that with the fact that I am extremely empathetic and that would make me a crybaby by many people’s standards.

MANY things make me cry- both the happy and the sad.

To name a few- Happy meetings at airports (even when they aren’t my own), Death, Hormones, Seeing another extremely happy or sad, Hallmark commercials or anything that evokes emotion, Television shows, Emails, Facebook Status messages, and the list goes on.

It seems like other little things keep popping up that keep me from spending any time on the computer aside from work. Here I am a day later but better late than never, right? That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.

Day 23- Something that makes you feel better, in great detail.

This isn’t very specific, so I’m not sure in what context it’s meant, so I’ll be broad with my response.

When I’m sick, aside from medication making me feel better, knowing that there is someone there to offer me a kind word, to do something for me to make my life a little bit easier are all things that make me feel better.

When I am struggling (and since I often struggle in silence- there are few who would know), it makes me feel better to know that someone cares or to know that they are thinking of me.

Love- That makes everything better.

Day 22-  Something that upsets me, in great detail.

There are many things that upset me, but the topic of something that really has me going lately is childhood obesity.   It upsets me to think that parents complain about their children being overweight, but yet they are the ones who bring the food into the house; they are the ones who are responsible for putting the food on the table or taking the kids out to eat; aren’t making sure that the kids get enough exercise and then wonder how they came to be overweight. 

I’m no Saint and I’m still on my own weight-loss journey, but I’ve learned in the past six months that some people don’t really know what ‘eating healthy’ is all about.   I know that some people d0, but it seems that more often than not- people really don’t ‘get it’.  

I could go on and on about this- but I think I’ll stop there- you get the point.   Expect to hear more on this subject from me though.

Day 21-  Another moment, in great detail.

I like to focus on positive things, but when I read that I was supposed to describe another moment, I decided to write what came to mind.   That something is Carol’s death.     Truth is.  I can’t write about in great detail, because I’m still not at a point in my life where I can.  I am sure that day will come, and when it does, I will share it.   I know it will help to be able to write more about it, but right now- the words fail me.

All I can say is that when the moment occured that I knew Carol was not going to make it out of the coma she was in, that I honestly felt as though someone put my heart through a vise grip.     Those who know me, know that death sends me for a spin every single time- even when it’s someone that I hardly know- but this was different.    

Carol was, for many years the closest person to me.   We were very different people, yet she was like a sister to me.  She was more than my aunt, for many years she was my best friend.    Losing her was beyond comprehension to me, and in some ways- it still isn’t real.

Since that day in early March, I’ve lost 4 other people that I knew- even if not well.   Since March, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about death at least once.   Sometimes, it’s more than once.     Some people will say that it’s a part of life, and while I know that to be true mentally- I can’t seem to wrap my heart around that idea.

That one moment- I will never forget.