2021- What can I begin to say about this year, or actually- what can I ‘not’ say about this year- there is “SO” much.
Let me start with today. Currently, the smell of a soup concoction is bubbling away on the stove and the sun is streaming through the window. A welcome dose of Vitamin D as this year comes to a close and a huge contrast from the wind & hail I endured on this mornings walk.
The end of the year is always a time of reflection for me- More on what I have learned and how I can carry that into the new year & continue to build on it. On today’s walk- I paused in the middle of the road and I exhaled, deeply. I realized at that moment that more often than not this year- I have been holding my breath, something that I haven’t been fully aware of until pausing in that moment & reflecting.
Usually- I have a word of the year that resonates with me towards the end of each year- and that’s something I think about and work on throughout the year- It can be anything, but this year I realized today- I didn’t have a word this year, or if I did- I forgot it, as so much of this year has been a blur.
I kicked off 2021 in the United States- in the midst of what continues to be a global pandemic & what came with its own share of grief & pain. I missed seeing everyone I usually see & others whom I planned to see, but in the end- the reality is- sometimes we have to make hard decisions that aren’t what we ‘want’ to make.
In terms of regrets- I try not to live my life with regrets- and quite honestly- it’s the main reason I traveled home last year- as it wasn’t a decision I made lightly and also not with some shame from a few people, which has everything to do with their own projections and nothing to do with me.
I wanted to spend time with my family & have no regrets – which is exactly what I did- and I will forever be grateful as later I lost my precious Denny to complications from the accident he had in 2019 which rendered him a quadriplegic, ironically (or not) on the same day his mom, my grandma passed away exactly 20 years before. I was able to hug him before I left and hear him tell me how much he loved me & a week before he passed, he told me he loved me- his last words – a beautiful gift.
In a world that has become so black and white- and as someone who is deeply feeling and lives in the rainbow of possibilities- I had to find my way in a pool of grief and uncertainties that challenged every thing I thought I knew. As I saw people I have loved and admired for a very long time say and do things that were completely opposite of what I thought I knew about them as being good people.
That was and continues to be a huge challenge for me- but it is easier now. Holding space and knowing that two things can be true which appear to be completely different. Someone CAN be an inherently good person & yet have what is for me a very limited and fear based world view. Can we assume that simply because we know something from our own life lens, that someone else, who has a completely different life experience and world view should share our opinion? No- What we can do is show up and be willing to have a conversation- not to be right- but rather than to give ourselves the opportunity to see through someone else’s eyes and try to understand, even if we disagree with every fiber in our being.
The sad part is we seem to have forgotten that thanks to the polarized world we live in and thanks to Social media for giving everyone a platform to say whatever is on their mind plus to gather like minded people and send people into extremes because of it- It may sound far fetched, but I watched it unfold in front of me with much horror & have since learned it to actually be based in psychology/ sociology- The great thing is- we can and do have the power to be better and to learn… If we so choose.
In other more positive news, I discovered my love for walking and walking and walking- Even after my knee injury which had me not walking for a few months- I’ve recovered and become better than before. It’s my saving grace and the best way for me to keep my mental health in check. I still get lost in my head at times but I am grateful.
Good health- I’m grateful for that and the time spent with friends- has been all the more special since the pandemic- and it’s also given me new perspective on what is important in life.
Some of my friendships have deepened and others have faded- I’m grateful for those lessons.
I’m grateful that I have been able to do much harder things than I ever thought possible & I’ve created a list (albeit in my head momentarily) of non-negotiables in my life.
I’m not sure if I will have a word for 2022, but what I do know is that I want to continue to be open to learn, to unlearn other things I thought I knew, but realize are not serving at all, & I want to continue to strive to love in all things- to make a positive difference & to be grateful to God for all my blessings- and there are many..