Lately, I’ve been having a LOT of dreams about Carol. Some of you who know me know who she is and others who have been reading this space for a while (or one of my other blogs) may also know that Carol was my aunt and best friend for many years. Last year she passed away after an out of the blue seizure that left her unable to survive without a ventilator.
In many ways it still seems surreal to me. I couldn’t go home for the funeral- not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t make the trip alone. Emotionally, I knew I would crumble. Instead, I wrote something that was ultimately read at the funeral. When I think back about writing it- everything is pretty much a haze. Sort of like most of last year.
Last year in spite of all the great things that happened in my life- it was also a year of great loss. I didn’t stop to heal because too much was happening. One thing right after another- like a stack of dominos and the only way I knew to survive was to work. That would keep me from thinking… but as with all things we don’t deal with- comes back to haunt us later. (That’s an entry for another day.)
I’m sure I’m having the dreams because next week will be the anniversary of this horrible moment in time. Last night- I opened my document folder where I have the letter that I wrote for Carol’s service. I stared at it for a little while and then I read it- for the first time since I wrote it. I don’t remember capturing so much of the essence of who she was- as much as that’s possible on paper. I cried and cried some more.
There are still moments when I don’t believe it’s real, even one year later. Even now- I still am unable to write my feelings, at least not for the world to see. Maybe I could write them on a piece of paper and tuck them away- although I somehow doubt that as well. I know I should… It could only help.