Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

October 31, 2010

Good Outweighs the Bad

Filed under: Home,Life,Memories,Sands of Time — gardener @ 11:33 am

As I was sitting here eating my big lima bean soup with ham that I made yesterday- I realized that we have 16 days until we leave for our trip.   I’ve counted down month after month, and now that the proverbial brass ring is in reach, it almost doesn’t seem real, yet it is.

I am excited beyond excited to be making this trip and yet at the same time I’m a little nervous about it.   The good definitely outweighs the bad, but I know that in spite of all the good- I’m going to have to come face to face with the reality that Carol is no longer with us.   I know that intellectually I’ve known that since March, but yet in my heart- sometimes I feel as though she’s still here.    I didn’t go home for the funeral because I don’t think I could have handled it alone- and yet, because of that- I lack the closure that I need.

At first, I thought I’d done my mourning and that I was moving on, but what I’d really done was found a way to tuck it deep into the subconscious so that I didn’t have to feel the pain.  It worked for a while, at least I thought it did- although the reality was that it manifested itself in the fact that I wasn’t making the right food choices or in the fact that I’d forgotten what exercise was.   I knew I needed to do something, but yet the desire had washed down the train with yesterday’s bath water.

Eventually the dreams started.   Sometimes they are bad dreams and other times they are just odd-  mostly though, they’re sad and when I wake up I notice that I’ve been crying in my sleep.  For a moment though- I think her being here is just a bad dream, but only for a moment until the reality sets in.

Last week I told mom and Desere both that there are days (like right now) when I can talk about things on the surface, but the depth of what I feel is yet to come out.   If I sense even a bubble of that emotion, I push it away back into the confines of my subconscious where I know I won’t have to deal with it.    Don’t get me wrong- I know I MUST deal with it, in order to move forward-  but that time has not come.     I know the time will come when I’m home-  when I stand before her grave and see that stone and know that it wasn’t all a bad dream, but it was real and that no amount of missing her will change a thing.    She is the closest person to me that I’ve ever lost and I don’t know what to do with the emotions but bury them even though I know it’s not healthy at this point.

I have always struggled with death of any sort-   and struggled the most when my grandmothers died, but this …. this doesn’t compare.   There are no words..  I need to go to the cemetary-  and yet I want to pretend that I don’t have a reason to be there.     Yes, this is something I’m not looking foward to, but I know that the good outweighs the bad… I just have to keep telling myself that when confronted with this.

October 30, 2010

Started Packing

Filed under: Holidays,Home,Travel — gardener @ 11:41 am

This is my new carry on.  I bought it about a month ago so that I can carry extra goodies on the plane.   I figure if they are only going to allow me one ‘free’ piece of checked luggage, but yet will allow me a personal item and a carry on, then I’d just buy the carry on and stuff it to the brim.  After all, it can weigh 40 pounds. 

We have another waiting on us at mom and diddy’s.   Samantha used it when she visited because she ran out of room in her luggage.   It works out perfect for us, because we’ll have two coming home and trust me- we’ll need it.

This morning I started packing this bag.  It’s almost full-  Time is ticking-  I’m SO ready for this trip.

October 29, 2010

Sailing Ships

Filed under: Food for Thought,Life,Memories — gardener @ 5:02 am

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we tend to do things that give us some sort of ‘pay off’. It doesn’t always mean that the pay off is a good one, but we do things because it feeds something within us. Even if we are prone to obsessive behavior- it may not be necessarily healthy, but there’s a ‘reason’ we do it or it would stop.

I remember when I graduated from High School my mother said to me that I should enjoy those months leading up to it and at graduation she encouraged me to embrace that moment in time because it was the last time we would all be in one place at the same time. At the time, I don’t remember giving it much thought and may have even dismised it as one of those ‘momisms’ but yet, it stuck with me for more than 25 years. It hasn’t been one of those things that has been a constant in my mind, but something that I’m reminded of from time to time.

This summer was my 25 year class reunion. I wasn’t in the area, so didn’t make it, but some of us have decided to hold an ‘unofficial’ class reunion when I’m home for the holidays. Thanks to Facebook, I’ve been able to reconnect with some of the friends I had in high school and also realized that I don’t have anything in common with some of my old classmates. 25 years is a long time and we have all changed and grown over the years. Mom was right- that moment in time will never be recreated and while it was precious then- this is now.

I’ve learned in recent years that no matter how much you may love something from you past- you can’t recreate that. It was what it was during that moment in time, and no matter how try you hard to grasp and return to that moment, or make it what it was. It just isn’t possible. It’s important not to spend too much time looking back on what was happening then, that you fail to see the beauty in what IS now.

All About the Savings

Filed under: Holidays,Home,Shop til ya Drop,Techy,Things I Love — gardener @ 4:50 am

It’s no secret amongst my family that I’m the technical minded one of the bunch. I’m definitely no genius, yet somehow my family seem to think so when it comes to matters of the technical side. I say they are biased and would deem me brilliant no matter what, but I digress.

Mom asked me the other night what I wanted to do on our first day home for the holidays and my response was ‘find them a new computer.’ Technically, I’m hoping I can talk them into getting two computers, simply because I think they would benefit from having two ‘newer’ computers in the house. The ones they have now are lacking in speed, amongst other things. Even though the decision hasn’t been made yet, I’ve already been checking out computers at Best Buy, which is where we’ve bought the last four computers we’ve owned. I’ve always had great service, plus it seems that I can always find a Best Buy promotional code to add a little extra savings to the mix. I figure you can’t go wrong with that, especially since y’all know how much I talk about how I don’t check out online without first looking for a coupon code. It’s all about the savings, which gives us more money to spend on other technical goodies, such as WiFi Internet for mom and dad.

October 28, 2010

Should Have Known

Filed under: Health/ Fitness,Holidays,Life,Life's Little Hiccups — gardener @ 11:28 am

The past couple of days my hormones have been on a major rampage and wouldn’t you know it- yesterday ‘that time’ showed up and at least I understood why I’ve been so much more emotional than usual. I know- for any guy who may be reading this, you really don’t want to know about girly things, but you can always choose to skip this entry. I’ve known that I’m going through peri-menapause for a while, but the hormones (or lack thereof) get uglier every month. I know it sounds crazy, but I honestly feel like Jeckyll and Hyde at some points.

Along with this has come some pretty nasty cramps to the point of me taking Tylenol with Codeine to get relief. I have to do it every month and all I can say is Thank the Lord for it otherwise I’d probably be driven to drink haha. Marcel literally laughed out loud today when I looked at him and told him that I thought I’d be having my period Thanksgiving night and how with cramps like these it would hinder my ‘Midnight Madness’ shopping spree at the outlet. I know, stop shaking your head- I seriously love that Midnight Madness shopping THAT much that I don’t want anything to get in my way.

Shopping Distractions

Filed under: Seasons,Shop til ya Drop — gardener @ 11:22 am

I don’t know how it happens but it seems like when I start out attempting to do a little Christmas shopping, I tend to get distracted by things that I love. My idea was to spend a little time after I finished working earlier to look for something in particular which will go unnamed here because I don’t want any Christmas gift ideas ruined by someone in the family who may happen to read the entry. Anyway- I was planning to look at one thing and I ended up looking at some amazing matouk linens that I was thinking would make a good Christmas present for our bed. Somehow I don’t think Marcel would agree with me, since his idea of a great Christmas gift isn’t 600 thread count Egyptian cotton, not that I’ve ever heard him complain about the ones we have on the bed right now. Speaking of which- it’s about time I switch to flannel since the temps are demanding it.

October 27, 2010

Wednesday Rambles

Filed under: Home,Life — gardener @ 8:42 am

Last night’s movie night was just what the doctor ordered. I was feeling particularly stressed yesterday (which seems to be more the rule than the exception as of late) and in spite of the movie having some very sad parts that had me boo-hooing and close to going into the ‘ugly cries’, the movie was great. Life as We Know it was funny and also heart-warming and was a reminder of what’s important in life- Family, Friends and Love. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend it.

Today so far has been one of those cold, dreary fall days. You know the ones- where you want to stay inside bundled up in a blanket eating comfort food. I do have several apples that are in need of baking, so I’ll probably bake those in a little while with a little cinnamon, oats, raw sugar and almond flour. I figure they’ll make a great dessert, especially since I found out that Marcel is coming home from work early to watch the soccer game. Looks like I’ll be retiring to the bedroom to watch television with Mister M. today.

October 26, 2010

Crossing Fingers and Toes

Filed under: Techy — gardener @ 9:50 am

When Marcel and I both bought our laptops last year we were both asked if we wanted to buy laptop insurance. I will be the first to admit that Marcel immediately said no, while I actually thought about it and considered whether it would be something that would be beneficial for us. If I was someone who carried my laptop with me everywhere, I’d probably get it, but since I keep it here and use it mostly for work purposes, I didn’t get it. I know that if I ever drop it though- I’ll be sorry I didn’t buy it. I’ll just cross my fingers and toes that it doesn’t ever happen.

Movie Night

Filed under: Life — gardener @ 9:48 am

Looks like Tuesday’s are becoming movie nights for Desere and I. Tonight we’ll be going to see Life as We Know It. We saw the trailer last week and both agreed that it should be the kind of lighthearted movie that we could both enjoy. Marcel is working and I just hope that JJ will behave while we’re goine. I guess if not- I’ll hear about it from the neighbors.

October 23, 2010

My Kind of Shopping

Filed under: Shop til ya Drop — gardener @ 11:08 am

Probably one of the things I love most about this time of the year is that I pay close attention to the things people say when it comes to things they’d like to have. I’ve ordered a few Christmas gifts, plus taken notes for others and am waiting for the right deals on everything. I’ll be the first to say that I’ve found some great cyber Monday christmas gift ideas and have even found sales on top of sales when I can find coupon codes in addition to the sale prices. There have been times when I’ve even got free shipping to boot. That’s the kind of savings I can get excited about, PLUS I can do so in the comfort of my favorite pj’s.

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