“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.” – Terri St Cloud
Happy eve of my 54th birthday. As I sit typing this- there is a cup of chai beside me to sip on as I type. The doors and windows are open and the sounds of the birds chirping brings a certain comfort that is difficult to put into words. The voices of nature- The house is quiet & I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the last year- a gift to give myself- a love letter, if you will. Something to tuck away, and God willing to read again next year on my birthday.
The aforementioned quote is the catalyst for this letter to myself. I had been tossing around the idea, after the last few years have been life altering, not only for me, but for so many others. I have learned a lot, not only about myself, but also how I view others.
Looking back on the past year, I see details that weren’t always pretty. A little over a year ago I decided to give myself the gift of starting a regular exercise plan in order to take better care of myself. Spending time in the garden with the few friends I saw during the high point of the pandemic & exercising were what kept me semi-sane, but yet as someone who feels deeply, seeing others suffer, being discriminated against, being mistreated by what I thought to be good people was almost too much.
I cried a lot of tears on my elliptical and walking sessions- had a lot of conversations- did a lot of learning and also unlearning in some cases.
It took a long time, but I finally realized that there is no way people can see what somehow doesn’t resonate with them & because so much dehumanization has been taking place, it is he first step to people losing compassion and empathy for their fellow man- who may have a different experience than their own. It was a bitter pill to swallow.
At the same time- it was one that was necessary for me to see, cry, sometimes scream & feel completely untethered from so much- so I could learn & stretch and ultimately grow.
People are far more driven from their unhealed past than they realize. Shame is a huge factor and there are some who simply don’t want to see others do well- because of their own insecurities. It isn’t about you, Lori.
I came to the realization & with a lot of grief attached that some of the people I have had in my life wanted me to ‘do well’ on their terms as long as it fit into their image- and I wasn’t ‘too’ much.
I would hear- This is one of the things I love so much about you ,,,,,, but
or Don’t share this- it will make people think you are being arrogant or showy-
Don’t say that- it’s controversial-
and the list goes on
What the hard realization was- is that those little seeds kept me from fully being me & leaning into my own potential.
Shame and toxic positivity are two things I learned a lot about- and continuing to learn and work on myself- I’ve also learned what isn’t acceptable to me anymore.
I won’t be less than who I am to make someone else feel comfortable.
I won’t deny my potential or downplay my talents. I’ll be me- good bad and ugly.
I will have hard conversations not only with others but also myself-
I will listen more- and continue to strive to be a good friend.
I won’t stop loving people just as I do.
I’ll still live life in technicolor rainbows of love and acceptance of others.
I’ll stay curious.
and when things get difficult, I’ll remember that I can do much harder things than I realized and when I feel as though I’ve lost my joy due to an abundance of pain- to continue to focus on the little things & on being grateful and gifted another day.
Love yourself first-