Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

Like many of us- the past couple of years have been a struggle to say the least & I am no exception. Despite the misconception that I live a ‘charmed & perfect’ life, (What does that even mean?) the reality is that because of the love I feel for humanity & my empath, plus sensitive soul- the valleys can seem almost unbearable. Did I mention that I was also an Extrovert? It’s a rare combination, indeed that I accept simply because it’s how I was created and that in itself is a gift & what is the point of fighting against, what is??

I don’t believe my experiences or struggles are any more or less than another- How we all deal with heartache and triumphs- loss and love is personal to us & our life lens- As someone who is eternally curious- I’m always trying to understand the ‘why’ of everything- and the lessons and blessings through it all. Sometimes that is extremely difficult- and that’s been the last few years for me.

There have been times, especially in the last few years- pre pandemic- when I would feel completely untethered and as if I was alone in a world where no one got me, which generally I’m fine with- until people I have known and loved would actually dismiss my thoughts and feelings, and actually try to shame me for thinking and being the way I am, rather than attempting to understand or to learn from each other.

At one point I started questioning myself- which of course is what happens when you’ve been gaslighted time and time again, you question yourself. Which personally I do believe is ok- as it helps us stay honest with ourselves, but as someone who likes to understand how and why people think, believe, feel the way they do- It was interesting to realize that people I have known my entire life- looked up to and admired in some cases, maybe weren’t the people that I had thought.

This created a lot of uncertainty in my life- as I struggled to comprehend how not everyone was interested in hearing any opinion other than their own- and having authentic conversations became a lost art in many- and quite honestly, it was heartbreaking to see.

Enter the pandemic & everything seemed to be magnified- and I spent a lot of time in nature at the garden, which in itself is immensely healing, yet at the same time- there were days when all I could do was cry at the injustices happening in front of our very eyes- and yet, so many wore blinders and would not have a conversation regarding said injustices- rather chose to gaslight- and in some cases outright lie.

Conversations with both strangers and friends were my saving grace- the door to understanding. My best conversations happened with my life long friend- as we both are so parallel in our thinking- and we could try to rationalize how some couldn’t see what was blatantly obvious for us.

Over time- a lot of learning, unlearning and research later- I’ve drawn the conclusion, that not everyone wants the aforementioned in their lives- as they are fine with their complacency & it didn’t make them ‘bad’ people, it meant they were content with the status quo and as difficult as that was for me- I learned to comprehend it and find a space in the middle of holding ground for what isn’t black and white- but simply a matter of it not being possible to change what one can’t acknowledge- so if, for example- one doesn’t believe white privilege is real, then there is nothing I could say or do to make them see that- as their experiences haven’t given them the moment to expand their thought process.

So the pandemic year has been all about growing for me- I’ve had to learn to let go of what I have recently learned as a huge stumbling block in my life- the moments of being shamed in my lifetime for thinking and feeling different than what someone else deemed as a societal norm. I have accepted those little ‘well meaning’ moments of shame and allowed them to hold me back from my potential- Truth is- I never realized it until this year- as it had always been a conundrum to me- and now- because I can see that- I can also learn from it and overcome. It may have taken me more than 50 years, but it gives me great insight to what drives certain parts of me- and that in itself is a gift that I’m grateful to have received.

One thing I stopped doing in the midst of all the valleys and dark days was I stopped writing- In fact, I haven’t felt compelled to write regularly until just recently & it is a wonderful feeling to be able to articulate on ‘black and white’ what has been living within my soul for so long. A release of sorts, and so cathartic.

These huge valleys have taught me so much, but they have not been without immense pain and suffering. Some of which I did in silence, and some I shared with a few close friends and even a few strangers. One of the many things I’ve learned is that some only want to be your friend when great and fun things are happening- and yet when the storms hit- they tend to disappear. They want the ‘fun’ and ‘joyous’ me- yet I’m a complete package- as is the same with all of us. For those who have been there- I’m eternally grateful- and this journey continues.

I know that each valley- each tear- each bout with anxiety- almost unbearable sadness and deep loss have not been for nothing- because each has brought its own life lesson & none are permanent as long as I am still breathing and moving- and as I begin climbing the mountain with all it’s steep inclines- I have learned to press pause and take a moment and enjoy the view and be grateful for now- as it’s all we really have.